The International Women's Day Run

8 March 2020

Hares: Ass Tulip and Constant Disappointment

Pack 45

With 8 arriving from the town pick-up and bolstered by a group of 9 Crazy Estonians, a large pack of 45 turned up at The BBQ Un In, the home of the Nha Trang Hash for The International Woman’s Day Run.

We would have made 46, however after a hectic registration, our GM Miss Mary Poppins took off to treat his special lady after treating all the ladies on the hash to a free run - so once again it was left to the ridiculously handsome Broken Waters to round up the hashers, which is a bit akin to herding cats.

So onto the asthmatic bus and off north we headed...... to the fishing village to celebrate International Women’s Day with a trail of fishy smells, confusing and downright evil instructions and not 1, but 2 encounters of dicing with death on the main north south highway.

The instructions? ……Well Constant Disappointment lived up to his name and gave the hashers their instructions that the walk was 11km and there was no drinks stop, and immediately issued an On On ….thataway.

Not only did this confuse and worry many, including some 7 virgins, but as the pack took off, the 9 crazy Estonians thought “Fuck that” and headed straight to the nearest beer shop to top up and sit back on the bus.

It was left to the harried RA to run back and convince them that our hare was full of shit and that the run would only be 3 or 4 km with some free cleansing San Miguel ales to look forward to at completion.

And so it was that the whole pack took off along the fishing village foreshore and then off cross country including the aforementioned 2 highway crossings. As runs went, it was predominantly flat but had a good variety of terrain, as the photographs attest to, and was praised by one of the elder statesmen of hash as never having been over this ground before.

This did not however save the hares from a roasting at runs end and a large accumulation of negative scores, itemised and delivered by Dingo - and added up by Just Lisa as everyone knows that Dingo cant count.

A variety of charges were laid, including Fat Bastard for not wearing a hash shirt, Indecent Exposure for finally, finally making someone come, one crazy Estonian for making many others come, a couple for sex on the hash victims and finally Dick Formage for pretending to have a charge, when really all he wanted to do was make another long winded speech.

With all the cleansing San Miguel consumed (I did say we had 9 Crazy Estonians, didn’t I?) it was then back to the asthmatic bus for the trip over the hill and back to BBQ Un In where over 20 of the hashers kicked on for food and beer.

Next weeks hares are Rent Boy and Just Sarah with Ass Tulip “Volunteering” to do the food.
The Week after will be Dick Formage and Just Lisa

Hares: Saddle Sniffer

Pack 35

Well that was different

A brand new home for the hash, a hastily arranged run after a 3 week Coronas Virus break and no GM, Grand Mattresses and a host of others as so many businesses have at least temporarily downsized or closed till this virus thingy is sorted out and tourists return to Nha Trang….. And still we had 34 eager runners.

The mismanagement group left to organize the run held the bus up 12 minutes for expected late arrivals (who didn’t arrive cause their Grab Cab got lost) however in a positive for that situation, Saddle Sniffer noticed that the food had not been loaded, so that was quickly rectified.

In other initial positives, the center of town pick-up by the asthmatic bus worked well and brought 13 hashers along for the run and everyone seemed to like the extra space that The BBQ Un In could provide including heaps of bike parks for those of us arriving by that method. And as ever, the Vietnamese phone system works well, and the asthmatic bus made a one second impromptu stop to pick up “Really Ate Her” on the north of northside to bring the pack up to 35.

And so to the run

“Saddle Sniffer” took us off north and then swung us west towards the river. The pre-run round up was assembled by the ridiculously hansom “Broken Waters” and the 3 virgins were introduced followed by the run instructions by our solitary hare, the aforementioned “Saddle Sniffer”.

It all went wrong from there.

As “Saddle Sniffer” described the run and how easy it was to follow, he also added that he had run out of paper, so it was really lucky that the trail was so easy to follow as he had to travel with the bus to the drinks stop.

So of course – everybody got lost.

“Dingo” and “Ass Tulip”, who apparently had walked the run with “Saddle Sniffer” 3 weeks prior were also more clueless than usual, but to be fair, Ass Tulip eventually found a way to get back on track after the pack spent 10 minutes playing Ring-A-Ring of Roses (Bit like Greek dancing without any smashing plates)

All seemed to be going well after that, along laneways and then into bush – until we came to a paddock where the farmer seemed to want to keep his cows from wandering and so had blocked off the trail with a thorn bush fence. Suddenly, like a magician with a rabbit in a hat, the obviously pre-warned and pre-equipped “Ass Tulip” produced a pair of secateurs and rubber gardening gloves………but unfortunately neither proved to be of much value and it was left to brute force and lots of scratching and loss of blood to clear the hash trail with promises of much ice and abuse for the missing hare at run end.

But after that – it was all plain sailing and an actual enjoyable run with a walk through a couple of restaurants (Chicken Island) and a little bit of rock climbing alongside the river and then along a dirt road that had been reformed that morning (therefore no trail markings obviously) – to the drinks stop and some cleansing San Miguel ales.

The second part of the run was up and around a small mountain with a false trail chucked in around a derelict building and an unintended false trail at the end when “Saddle Sniffer” again had been economical in the use of markers. Unfortunately not all hashers managed the second part as the out of condition “Hash Runner” and returning hasher “Slime” thought the tiny bit of rock climbing on part 1 had taken too much out of their bodies …..and someone needed to guard the beer.

And so to the run round up back at the asthmatic bus after devouring the strangely coloured watermelon supplied by the missing GM and some of the vegetarian meals supplied by “Saddle Sniffer” (strangely, we had 5 whole meals left over).

After discovering what made the 3 virgins come, the solitary hare, “Saddle Sniffer” was placed on the ice for educational enlightenment. The RA decreed that the run report should be delivered in 2 half’s by 2 different hashers. “Rent Boy” delivered the first half report, and because nobody has a clue what the old Irish git was saying, he had to repeat many times. Fucking Innocent delivered the second half report, as he can always take a 1-minute story and stretch it out to 10 minutes … and thus, the RA’s plan to have “Saddle Sniffer” on ice for a lengthy time came to fruition. Not surprisingly, both run reporters gave a score of – 69, taking the official run score to -138. Visiting hasher “No Cuntrol” delivered the song for “Saddle Sniffer” as nobody else knew one dirty enough to aim at him.

As it was getting darkish, we hurried through the various charges, and “Hash Runner” was ices for not wearing his jesters hat (A promise he had previously made to the mismanagement committee to register his opinion of the hastily put together run)….and Constant Disappointment had another charge lined up for him, but we did not have any WD40 with us, so we thought one visit to the ice was enough for him.

“Just Lisa” was put on the ice for conning “Broken Waters” into believing she was Vietnamese, and “Broken Waters”put himself on the ice for believing her (She is Chinese Canadian I believe).  

In a strange turn of events, 2 virgins were iced …..its not our fault they did not know about the “No sex on the hash” rule

“Rent Boy” laid one scurrilous charge on “Broken Waters”, but nobody really knew what it was about and we are starting a collection next week to try and get Rent Boy into English classes.

And so back on the asthmatic bus and back to the BBQ Un In, the home of the Nha Trang Hash. Although 6 or 7 hashers got the bus back to central, the rest came into the bar/restaurant where 17 or so hashers kicked on with cheap beer and some ribs for a couple of hours – but please hashers – when you use your 10% off cards, remember and get them back from the staff – they are not one-time use and you can use them any day or time in the week.

So until next week – 2:45pm at BBQ Un In ….its ON ON

Run 247

Hared by Taxi Girl and Butt Smuggler

Another fine rainy Sunday afternoon saw the dedicated amongst us arrive at Crazy Kim’s to go out for a stroll yet again. This time being treated to a Taxi Girl and Budgie Smuggler disaster.

Having boarded our slow bus from hell and driving for a way over there we arrived at the start. Instructions were given, hard to remember them all this time as there were more than normal, and a virgin appeared, from America.

Then off we went. Strangely down a track we had not been down before, possible bonus points for something new. Suddenly it was up the hill and up again to the top where we had to turn around and go back to the slow people in the rear. Then down a bunch to the highway to Hanoi for a drink, luckily nobody was killed drinking on the side of the highway and low and behold onto the bus again. After another slow ride and some confusion as to where the run went we were let out again. Why you ask? So we can climb another big f**cking hill. You would think the hares would know how lazy we are. Then again once at the top we had to go down the f**cking hil again, this time with bad karaoke music. Then back at the highway it was decided to go to the beach so we didn’t have to worry about the karaoke anymore.

Once at the beach we were given watermelon!!!! We love watermelon !!! and some other stuff. From the heart of my bottom thanks again Pickle Dick and The Mirror for our weekly feed.

A circle was formed again, we need some imagination lets make a square next week. The hares were placed onto the ice for as per the Hash culture and we found out from Chinese Foot Job about the next Hares. Turns out next week it will be Just Nga, and the following week Andy Cap. The week after that there will not be a hash anymore because we have no volunteers.

Crutchless was invited in to make a run report. (Why can’t the Poms learn how to speak and spell English like the rest of the world? I am sure they mean crotchless.) regardless a report was given to a satisfactory degree and Pickle Dick was invited in to report on the drink stop. It was more shit than the run it turns out. A score was given that depicted the total lack of enthusiasm of the entire operation and we moved on to other stuff.

The acting GM, (sexiest man at Hash), Miss Mary Poppins, (acting again I might add because the real GMaster One Nut is still not back, hurry up bastard, and Taxi Girl was too exhausted from being The Hare), was going to have the Religious Advisor come into the circle to advise on anything we may need to know about but it turned out he was not there. Rumor has it he was busy blowing the rain god and that’s why we did not get wet. Good job Dick take one for the team.

So it was decided to make a charge and a very serious one at that. It was noticed that 3 of the Hash Trollups were no longer happy with their boyfriends and had decided to find some new men. How could they possibly find new men to replace their existing men? They could show their asses to the waiter next door might do it, so they did, three white asses pointed at the waiter on the roof of the restaurant beside the circle. He seemed happy but did not partake. So, Chinese Foot Job, Bloody Mary and Just Nga’s hopes of new boyfriends were dashed away and some waiter is wondering what the f**k is going on here as they were sitting on the ice.

Next saw returnees being iced for foolishly thinking we wanted them to come back, Deere Balls, Indecent Exposure and Crutchless, (need proper spelling people), were iced and f**cked off for returning.

Once the floor was open to charges.  Andy Cap took it upon himself to call E-Cup into the circle. Why would he do that you say? Well, it turns out E-Cup was trying to help Andy Cap earlier. Andy Cap is getting old so E-Cup took it upon himself when he saw Andy Cap trying to get off his motorbike to assist him with a hand job. He may have been trying to teach Just Tam a thing or two… Andy Cap did admit he was quite happy at the end and we hope to find out how the lesson has taken later.

Chinese Foot Job added Miss Mary Poppins to the ice at the same time, strangely for also being helpful. MMP had showed the ladies where they could go pee earlier, (see above about waiters and such), and for some reason that can not be explained Chinese Foot Job though it was not an appropriate place. All MMP can add to that is pay attention Chinese Foot Job, MMP is a man, he can and will pee anywhere and will never help you try to get a new boyfriend again. Bitch.

As there were no further charges and the beer was almost finish it was decided t load everyone back into the worlds slowest bus for the trip back to our sponsor Crazy Kim’s bar for the on-on. Remember people, she stores our stuff for us, have a beer before you go home, Dingo, Wet Patch and Chinese Foot Job.

See you next week - 2.45pm  at Crazy Kim's Bsar, 19 Biet Thu Street, Nha Trang.

ON ON

Run 246

Hared by Wank Mag, the woman formerly known as Mrs Wank Mag or Wank Mag’s Partner and Some Little Boy

As always the Hashers met up at Crazy Kim’s bar as she is our sponsor and stores all of our crap. We got on the bus and drove out to the beginning of the run somewhere over there. A circle was formed and the GM, (taking over for One Nut who is still in Thailand apparently with a bad case of the shits)

We did learn here was a virgin amongst us by the name of Crystal. Have you ever noticed porn stars never use their real names?

It was then decided the GM should be the sexiest man present and low and behold here we are again with Miss Mary Poppins.

The trail began well with Mirror up the front and Dick Fromage taking it in the rear as always until we couldn’t find the trail any more. Why couldn’t we find the trail? Because the hares didn’t mark it. Luckily The Little Boy was with the group to show them the way. Does he have a name?

Following the run there was food again complements of Pickle Dick and Mirror this week without a petrol filled watermelon. From the heart of my bottom thanks for that.

Following our weekly feed and a bunch of beer the circle was reconvened. The Wank family was invited into the circle and promptly sat on the ice. They must like it as they weren’t even asked to do so. The acting GM invited Chinese Foot Job in to tell who we had lined up as future Hares, turns out we had two - the one for next week being Taxi Girl (15/10) and the following week being Just Nga (22/10). A few minutes were wasted trying to raise more Hares and it was looking very bleak until Andy Cap stood up yet again and took the spot the following week 29/10). People, if there are no Hares there will be no Hash, volunteer more. So, having completed her mission of raising Hares Chinese Foot Job was then excused from the circle. (we think she may have had to send a report back to Beijing).

The acting GM then had a great idea. Since we are in Vietnam lets have a Vietnamese do the run report. What an excellent idea that was. Driven While Drunk was asked to come into the circle and make a report in Vietnamese. The amount she resisted doing this was amazing, but we finally got her to start the report and she was doing great until it was obvious the English-speaking Hashers had no idea what she was saying. Budgie Smuggler was nice enough to volunteer to translate for the rest of us and all hell broke loose. Driven While Drunk got embarrassed and couldn’t speak anymore, Taxi Girl was drunk again, (didn’t we say last week we didn’t believe her?), and forgot how to speak Vietnamese and then Chinese Foot Job volunteered to help us out. In the back ground while all this was going on the Hares decided their asses we cold enough and got up and left. (Whingeing Poms). So great job and probably a first in Nha Trang H3 history, no run report, no singing for the Hares, no score, great job.

The acting GM took it in stride and moved on to Wet Patch, he had been missing for two weeks so we wanted to know why. Turns out he didn’t come to the Miss Mary Poppins run because it is usually dangerous, fair enough excuse that was, and last week couldn’t be bothered because he was busy drinking piss and watching rugby, the Grand Some Crap or Other from Australia. As it turns out Australians like rugby, but only when they are not playing against New Zealand or South Africa because they never win. There was only one thing left to do at that point and it was to form a local Australian rugby team. Turns out we didn’t have enough Australians to make a full side. But there was almost enough to make a rugby 7’s side. Wet Patch being the Captain called in Andy Cap, Dingo, Budgie Smuggler, Archamenial Screw because he is from Austria and that’s close enough and Wank Mag because he sounds like an Australian even though he is a Pom. How the f**k do you spell Archamenial??? They were all made to line up biggest to smallest as the big guys are always first in rugby.

As we had a team we needed another team to play them against. Options were limited so we pulled out the Nha Trang Ladies Rugby 7’s team. This consisted of Ball Counter, Chinese Foot Job, Taxi Girl, Driven While Drunk, Just Nga, the woman formerly known as Mrs Wank Mag, and Just Quyen. As we didn’t need a fight to break out we didn’t ask the ladies to line up biggest to smallest, instead we told them to line up by bra size and they did without any fights.

Next we needs two referees and Pickle Dick and Lick Me were installed as they are both from Estonia and everyone can trust an Estonian for something. The rules were explained to everyone present and in typical hash fashion nobody paid any attention at all. Once they were ready on on to the rugby it was, the men made a good effort at the start but as they were all old and overweight the ladies quickly came back to take the lead. As nobody paid much attention to the rules it turned into a run for more beer as expected and the ladies won with Just Thao cumming on the ice first ahead of Just Hai who didn’t understand and Archamenial Screw taking his place. Yes if you were counting it turned into an 8 sided rugby game as Just Hai and Just Thao decided to participate without telling anyone. Good on them.

Moving on it was the religious Advisors turn to be invited into the circle to update us on anything we may need to know. Instead of doing that he went onto a naming, there probably was nothing we needed to know at that point anyway. The woman formerly known as Mrs Wank Mag was placed onto the ice and Dick Fromage explained to us that she is a seamstress, imagine that. Turns out Mirror hired her to turn all of Pickle Dicks jocks into thongs. Eww to that fitting. The name of course could be nothing other than…. Crotch Cover!!! Welcome to hash Crotch Cover.

Then out of nowhere another victim was placed on the ice for yet another naming. Why could we not do them both at the same time you ask? Who knows, it would have made sense. Regardless Just Quyen was placed on the ice, the RA forgot why and had to be reminded, yes Just Quyen is a jeweller, works with gems and such. What is the most expensive gem stone available in Nha Trang? Kidney Stones…. Therefore the only option available for Just Quyen’s name was obviously It Hurts When I Pee!!! Good job whoever came up with that one. Welcome to Hash It Hurts When I Pee and good luck with that.

By this time the beer was running low and everyone seemed a bit pissed so we boarded the slowest bus in the world for the long drive back to Crazy Kim’s for the On On. Buy a beer people she stores our shit for us.

A good time was had by all and nobody died. On On everyone, see you next week.

On Nut, hurry the F**k up and get back here.

Hares:  PICKLE DICK and THE MIRROR

The run started off from our esteemed sponsor Crazy Kim yet again. This week found the Nha Trang H3 without our esteemed GM One Nut as rumor has it he has vacated the country with his favorite pig to Thailand, on on…

As there was very little other options, (extremely very little options), Miss Mary Poppins was asked to stand in for the missing GM. After arguing the fact that MMP is far to lazy to participate in this fashion a bribe was paid and MMP agreed.

The run was hared by Pickle Dick, (why the f**k could he not be GM?), and Mirror. As the Religious Advisor has not been fulfilling his duties as late the rain washed out the run earlier in the day and Mirror had to mark it again ahead of the rest. Pickle Dick being as lazy as he is decided to help out by sitting on the bus. The run went through an area of town we are not sure we have been through before. It was a pleasantly fish sauce smelling run. The locals found out Foot Job is Chinese as she and MMP were going through their neighborhood in order to steal all their houses. Foot Job being the coward Chinese lady she is spent the time hiding behind MMP as he was armed with his umbrella, of course it is a large umbrella and scared the locals away.

Once the Hashers made it through the hostile areas, (it turns out they only hate Chinese Foot Job), they ended at the circle near the river. Not a bad venue. There was food to be had complements of Pickle Dick and Mirror, (how did you get the petrol inside the watermelon Pickle Dick?).

Following the feed a circle was had, the Hares were iced, Foot Job, (she may get renamed now we know she is from China), proceeded to inform us next weeks hares are Wank Mag and Mrs Wank Mag, then Taxi Girl stood up to take the next run. People setting a run should be a privilege we should have at least a month of hares ahead of us, volunteer more.

The run report was then given by Bugger Off, he babbled on as he does and then gave them a score of -2 out of 10. Really Bugger Off it wasn’t that good.

The acting GM then invited the visitors and Virgins into the circle to find out who they were. Having 7 of them the GM asked what their names are, where did the cum from, and who made them cum? To the hash of course. Answers were given notes were not taken so we cannot recall their names, except for Jhshifbfaghedbj, (if you can pronounce it you get free beer for life), he comes from Estonia. Why is Estonia trying to move to Nha Trang. From the hearts of our bottoms thanks for coming Vis and Virg.

Following all that the Religious Advisor Dick Fromage was invited into the circle to update us all any anything we may need to know. In the most bizarre fashion Dick proceeded to provide what could only be described as a geriatric lap dance, (without a lap thank God), and then he through peanuts at children he had been storing in his underwear. Dick, that could be illegal in most countries, what could make you think anyone would want to eat peanuts that have been near your crotch???

Dick was subsequently iced for not providing shelter from the rain, along with Foot Job as she looks just like Dick Fromage and you shouldn’t drink alone.

The floor was then opened for charges and Taxi girl was iced for having a hashy birthday and for giving up drinking, (nobody really believes that), Mirror was added to the ice as nobody should drink alone and she had a birthday the week before. She seemed a bit miffed to be singled out. Even listed all the other birthdays in September, she was told what we think and Dick, as RA pay attention.

The circle was then closed and everyone loaded back onto our trusty slow bus back to Crazy Kim for the On On.

See you next week..

Pack: 33

Great to see numbers up for ANDY CAPP & ONE NUT’s run. We also welcomed 2 Saigon H3 spies, FARCOFFEE and SLOE GIN, both in town for a day or so.

An excellent run was set through nearly all new country in an area now rapidly expanding with new developments going up everywhere. There was a mix of new housing, old villages, fish farms, and farmland. Again, this might be the last time we run through this part of the world before it is part of the urban rat race. A great ON ON site on top of a hill with views everywhere!

Plenty of icings, and a new member named in MISS CHEESCAKE, our glorious leader, ONE NUT’s supplier of thing sweet. She got a serious beer shampoo for her troubles.

Next week we see MISS MARY POPPINS and DINGO’s turn. It will be in new, unhashed country and there are some surprises in store. It will be a great trail and there is some seriously good scenery to be had.

ON ON

REMEMBER.........to invite your friends. We need numbers to rise to keep us viable and run fees to a minimum.

Run 235   Hares: MICROBE and DOSAGE    Pack: 32

For one so young, MICROBE showed us how to set a Hash run. Guided by DOSAGE, he had some great checks and false trails and even though rain forced them to reset prior to the start of the run it was well marked and clever with some brand new country. The secret was keeping the pack together and everyone was came into both the drink stop and the finish within 5 minutes of each other. That shows the value of using check backs and false trails to hold up the faster front runners!

Three namings by the new RA, DICK FROMAGE, saw MAJOR PAIN IN THE ARSE, TRISEXUAL and MISS KNOW-IT-ALL joining the ranks. Worrying to see the RA losing his robes on the first day of his reign!

Banh Mi was on the menu, but it didnt compare to PICKLE DICK and MIRROR’s fare. Come back PICKLE DICK.....we love you!

                                                                   RED DRESS RUN

This week is a big one! The Red Dress Run. So tart it up and wear your sexiest red dress and try for the prize of best dressed lady and lady boy!

Bring your swimming gear, as RENT BOY and ROTTEN TO THE CORE have a secret beach side location planned!

RUN 233   Hares: BALL COUNTER and CABIN BOY       Pack: 32

Even with the potential of pissing rain, over 30 turned up for BALL COUNTER and CABIN BOY’s run. It was well set and marked, finding some new country around the back of the mudbaths.

After the initial joy of possibly losing both DICK FROMAGE and RENT BOY they both showed up to the drink stop 20 minutes late with harriettes in toe.

A naming for our young Vietnamese hasher who shuns the sunlight like a vampire, hence the name BLOODSUCKER. Welcome to Hash!

This week sees the dumping of the old committee and the installation of a new mismanagement team. Show them the same lack of respect we gave the last lot! Coincidentally, it is the 2 new GM’s setting the run this Sunday. Expressions of mutinous discontent are expected!

                    URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT.........THE 2017 RED DRESS RUN!!!!!!!!

Get your  sluttiest red dress gear out and be prepared to mince around the streets of Nha Trang.

                                                    WHEN?: 30 JULY

This is a great day and all money is donated to charity. Please try and make it. It is a hashing highlight in every Hash across the world and this is our turn!

ON ON

                         URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT #2    DALAT WEEKEND RUN

We have booked 30 places at INDECENT EXPOSURE’s Auntie’s hostel in Dalat.

Cost is yet to be determined, but Hash will be sponsoring it for regular hashers.

WHEN:  27/27 August. Leave Sat morning and return Sun afternoon.

 Hares: DOSAGE and MICROBE
Pack:52

With the wet season all but over, sunny skies saw all manner of hashers crawl out of the woodwork and we had a full bus for the first time in months.

Run Report 209 on 29 January 2017
Hares: LADYBOY and SANDY CRACK

Pack: 40
This was the annual Tet run set by LADYBOY and SANDY CRACK through town. The bus was cancelled as the last time we ended up with a very late and very drunk driver. Lesson learned!